This is my life right now: At the beginning of the month, my apartment building was called by the fire department to be evacuated due to fire hazard reasons. (There is water coming through light fixtures from old, leaky plumbing, and live light switches that go nowhere...) I haven't moved because I don't really have anywhere to go; my partner and I are separating (an amicable split, we're still able to talk and be supportive of each other), and to find an affordable apartment on the spot has been really tough. I'm waiting for rental assistance to come through, but it could take a few months. The landlord, ahem, slumlord, sold the building within 3 days, and the new owner is renovating the whole place. Great, right? No. He wants us out because the repairs are so extensive we couldn't live here anyway. And the rent will be going up considerably, so I wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. My partner has rented a storage space and we're going to stash our stuff and stay with friends for now. And then? Then, I have no idea. I don't know where I should live - TJ, my partner is moving two hours away, and I know I'll have to pick up more hours at work so that I can pay my own rent, but then I don't know how child care is going to work, and I desperately don't want my daughter to go to daycare. There are friends that can watch her, but I have no way of paying them. I have a friend in Portland, OR, that really wants me to come out and stay - there would be a place to live, childcare, work - and it would be fine for awhile, but I don't like the idea of my daughter being away from her father for long. I got my wisdom teeth out a few days ago and am in major pain. It makes it hard to deal with all of this madness! Add to all this the fact that my brother got taken to the psych ward for awhile - when I tried to call him at the hospital he was taken to, they told me he was redirected to a different hospital in N. Dakota! And they couldn't tell me which one. So he is lost in the system, and all I can do is wait for him to contact me. And his daughter, who is two, has been very ill for a long time and was taken to the Children's Hospital a couple of days ago. Oi.

Pieces have been clicking into place for me. As per my previous blog, I was experiencing some major energy, and not really understanding what it's purpose was. Well, there are major shifts coming up, and I think it was a bit of a 'download' to get me ready for all that's coming up. I've been relationship with my partner for 5 years. There have always been some core issues, but I was content to float along, allowing ourselves all the time in the world to figure it all out. Then last year, our daughter was born. (Hooray!) And while I think she has definetely been an impetus to get through some of these issues, I feel that there is a major shift happening, and things are really being sped up. I'm not content to float, I'm not content to wait for things to work out, and I'm tired of staying (becoming mentally/emotionally/spiritually stuck). So I've been taking a really hard look at myself and where I'm at. I'm not proud of a lot of the attitudes I hold right now. I see how they are making me miserable and making it impossible to manifest anything in my life right now. I'm working on forgiving myself, taking responsibilities for my own thoughts/actions, and making choices. Hard stuff. I've been putting my thoughts under the microscope to see if they are a.) honest b.) rooted in old habits/ways of thinking that no longer fit. And I try to hold myself in a space of love while I sort, knowing that it's all good and neccessary, because I hear Spirit say, 'be gentle'. So yeah, it sounds really self-centered, and I admit, my focus has shrunk over the last few weeks, and I haven't been able to help others much, but that's where I'm at. It won't be that way forever! I promise! Whew. There are so many around me right now that are going through relationship problems. Spirit is saying, work on it now! This is a major shift, for everyone. Take your relationships (romantic and friendships) to the next level, or let them go. I just keep hearing, 'everyone deserves deep connections. do not settle. dig deeper.' I see now that my relationship with my partner needs to reincarnate to the next level, or if it's not time for that level, to let it go. Of course, that knowing brings equal amounts of sadness and peace. As I place my trust in Love, Light and Truth, and move into the knowingness of my Higher Self, what can I do but follow?

i've been experiencing a massive surge in energy lately. it's interesting - circumstances in my life lately have been sort of stuck, and i think this energy is here to help me move things along. so to my guides, teachers, angels and saints i shout out a big thank you! it has been challenging though - i feel the energy racing through my arms, my torso... i constantly have the feeling of 'butterflies' in my stomach. so much so that my digestion is off, and has been for the last few days. i feel caught up in a current that i may or may not be able to handle. but i guess i wouldn't be sent anything i couldn't handle, right?

i had an interesting experience this last weekend, and i am hoping to receive some feedback about it. here goes: on thurs. evening, i had a long phone conversation with a friend of mine who is having relationship problems. it seems that i am the friend that most come to when they are having difficulties in their relations, and i am comfortable with that. while listening and giving feedback to my friend, i started to become very aware that my heart center was very warm/full of energy feeling. i don't know how to describe it, other than to say that the area was very activated. later, i had the same feeling in my jaw, my toungue, my lips. i very much feel that i was speaking from a higher Self. anyway, that's not what i need insight on, it's the next part: after we got off the phone, i went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, and i did something i don't normally do. i poured the water, held it up, and asked god/ess to allow this water to clear me, so that i may approach the next person unfettered by bias or prejudgement; so that i would be able to speak Truth for the highest good - as above, so below. and so i drank. a few hours later i started to not feel so well. at 2am i threw up. this, in and of itself, even though i haven't thrown up in a long time, wouldn't bother me, but all the next day all i could do was lay in bed. sleep. or really, not sleep, since i was in so much pain. fever. back ache all the way into my hips. i could feel a bladder infection, and by the end of the day, my face was getting tender and i knew - sinus infection. i knew that the bladder infection had been brewing awhile, but the sinus infection was out of nowhere. i couldn't take it! so i went to the doctor. sure enough, both were confirmed. even though i hate antibiotics, i took them. so here are my questions: - coincidence is not in my vocabulary: why the sickness? what, energetically do these particular sickness mean? - am i blocking some kind of learning or energy by taking antibiotics? any insights/advice will be met with gratitude and loving energy!

Just a funny story... My daughter Adira picked up an odd way of playing the other day - she picks up all her wooden blocks, one by one, and puts them down her shirt. Now, since she's wearing a onsie, they all stay in there. So she just walked around patting her stomach where all the block were stashed, laughing and buzzing her lips. I have such gratitude for the joy she adds to my life. Who knew parenting was this much fun??!!

here it is. I'm a bit of a lurker. That's right. A lurker. *gasp* On zaadz?! How could I? Well, that's just it. I'm green at this whole online networking thing. Ridiculously inexperienced at blogging. How did I get to be an Ambazaador? And how does a girl get some friends around here? :)

so i'm a stay at home mama. mostly. i still teach dance 3 nights a week, so that gets me out. however, my world has shrunk to the walls of my apartment, and not much outside of them gets noticed. while i think that that is a necessary development when babies are small, in order to figure them out, re-balance yourself, let hormones cool down, get new systems in place, etc; i feel that the time may be coming for me to expand myself a bit. i believe i just may need a bit more out-in-the-world time in order for some new ideas to take root, or even just have new questions posed. ahh, who knows? i have much already going on to ponder and work through. I do long for connection, though. really. when it comes down to it, i think that's the root. mayhaps it's time for a bit of 'ask and you shall receive', eh?

i'm trying, folks. i'm trying my hardest to live in love. i'm at a point now where that means having to say goodbye to something that has been a part of my life for a really long time. the group of women that i have been belly dancing with is dissolving. on one hand, i know that i will grieve for the loss. and on the other hand, i feel that this is a letting go of old in order to let the new in, and that is exciting and invigorating. it all happens for a reason, right?